Dear Humans Of The Future

I don’t know how much information you may have on our civilization from the period in which I live. Most of what we write, say, and do are stored as 1s and 0s on millions of computers. I’m assuming most of the data is lost, perhaps even this; but for the sake of optimism let’s assume you have discovered these words. There is something I feel I need to clarify for you, because I’m guessing it’s very confusing.

You may rightly assume we had a international holiday called “Amazon Prime Day”. While it would seem reasonable to believe that “Amazon” refers to the mighty river that flows through what was or is South America (perhaps by now you have eliminated the need for borders and countries), but alas it does not. 

Nor does “prime” refer to a mathematical formula (I’m not skilled enough at math to properly describe it fully, other than to say it’s a number that cannot be made by multiplying two other numbers greater than 1, like 11 for example). No, Amazon Prime is not a sacred celebration of nature and science. It’s a day in which people looked for discounts on items and objects they want to out into their dwellings and stare at, talk to, walk on, or out inside of them.

I don’t know if Amazon exists anymore. At one point is was one of the largest companies in the world. Or at the very least, the most influential. They didn’t see it that way, but a large portion of society bought their goods “online” (please don’t make me explain that — if all you know is that it was a series a tubes, that’s fine by me) from Amazon. They could find nearly anything they wanted and get it within a day, as long as you were an exclusive member. This was referred to as “Prime”. They then decided to have one day a year July 15th (when I write this to you future beings), to discount some things and get people to buy stuff they didn’t need (that pretty much sums up 85% of all things we did).

This might better explain why our planet is nearly uninhabitable. It was very hard to convince people that escalating temperatures, melting ice, and rising oceans was more important than saving money. It’s hard to pass up a deal on a huge device that can make potatoes crispy without all that cooking oil. Sorry about that.

Paul Armstrong

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